Aarushi again ! and a weird incident
Last Friday was a totally freaky one. Here's why.
I very particularly checked and bought online tickets for Hunger Games, which Arunav really wanted to watch because he has read the whole series. I read the review and thought it was too violent for him but I thought instead of snubbing his excitement, I will let him judge whether it was comfortable for him or the book is enough.
I left Aarushi with my helper and took Arunav down for the movie at 4.30pm. When I swiped my credit card, the tix wouldn't come. The lady in the counter checked and said, 'Ma'am your tix were for yesterday.' I am forgetful, but I have never done this and I so clearly remembered checking the day properly on the confirmation screen, that it was a surprise to me. I was totally perplexed, but blamed it on age and tried to console a disheartened Arunav. It was past the movie time and we were thinking of going to a chocolate shop, when my helper rang me to tell Aarushi hurt herself while going for swimming. The bleeding seems to have stopped but the cut is deep.
I stood listening to it and after giving her quick instructions on what to do and rushing for a taxi, I thought I could never have got the call if that ticket was in the right date - I would go in switching off my mobile and would be watching hunger games now ! There are indeed more things in heaven and earth !! Aarushi certainly had a guarding angel and may that angel remain by her always.
By the end of Friday, Aarushi was in the hospital for 5 hours and had 7 stitches in her forehead.
Hurts
Arunav's dearest friend S - the one who left and we went early morning on HK Marathon day to say bye just to keep Arunav happy, to make him feel - yes, it is OK to care for people enough to do crazy stuff like that .Irrespective of whether I think they should be friends or not - I try never to do that sort of thinking - it is really for him to know who touches his heart.
The other day while making an Origami something, casually he mentioned, 'You know mama, S had made a paper airplane for me, but his mother tore it off and threw it. S had told it to me the next day.'
I knew the parents were not over fond of us, nor probably of Arunav, but when I heard that - it hurt, it really hurt. I can never do that. It is so difficult to accept hatred shown towards your child and something you yourself find totally senseless.
A parallel application
I liked these words:
"How to create a system of accountability that does not punish truth-telling and reward the appearance of achievement." (Trow 96)
I read it with respect to higher education, but it holds true for everything. How I treat Arunav and Aarushi so that there are more elements of 'trust' which implies 'truth-telling' rather than accountability which will inevitably result in gaming and not knowing the reality....
Interesting how our brain reads something in a totally different context and associates it to something closer home, closer to heart.
The personal achievement space
I got 39/40 in my French exam. With my other masters, I don't obviously get time to do anything outside attending the class, so it always surprises me when I still top the class. I think because I am doing it for so long, I just have got a certain basic idea of the language so I can keep doing well.
When I went through my paper, I smiled to myself because I thought if I judged the paper, I would have given myself not more than 35 for there are certain nuances that I know I have missed and I could have incorporated if I studied the higher level grammar a little bit more.
It's tricky how much you can convey by the correction of a paper - probably relative to the class I deserved the 39. But in absolute terms - no, it does not deserve more than 35.
What made me very happy though and what was different from my experience of the previous exams was I almost perfectly understood the oral comprehension and scored a perfect 10 - that I think I deserved.
One early morning
The darkness lifts
The stars fade away
The lights in the buildings dim
The dark sky turns from black to blue to pale white.
Dawn breaks.
The quietest time,
The most beautiful time
When we wake and watch.
The unquiet of the night is gone,
The peace of the dawn flows through
The day's hopes lights up life
If only we wake and watch.
The beauty that awaits
When the worries don't cloud the eyes.
The peace that always is
When we close our mind and open our eyes.
The thankfulness of being.
The gratefulness for life.
The miracle that we forget
Is always with us, till we say goodbye.
Cost of progress
While watching the Silk movie yestreday, I suddenly had this uncomfortable feeling I need to call ma. Pausing the movie I did. She was in someone else's home because she fell sick 2 days back and there was no one to take care of her. She barely managed to call the neighbours at the odd hour of 4a.m., using her mobile because she could not move. They came and gave her medicine and later took her to this relative's house.
She was relatively better now. What price progress.
Genuine compliments
The other day in our French class, there came a young student - perhaps around 13-14 years old to do observation of class. He was a poor little French boy feeling extremely conscious among a group of middle aged women who are struggling to learn French which is his mother tongue. He had to introduce himself to us and then had to listen to our introduction. He has just come from France to HK, which implied he is not used to hearing adulterated French.
We could see his struggle to understand what we were saying as our introduction :) He kept quiet or nodding his understanding when he did. I got the biggest compliment when after my introduction he smiled and said,'Vous parlez tres bien.' Yippee!
Music
Arunav and Aarushi has been learning piano for around 6 months now. They will take part in a concert and so the teacher taught them one simple piece(Jingle Bells - it does not get simpler than that, I guess) in harp. Today they surprised the teacher by playing a relatively difficult song they learnt in piano, in harp without even being told how to do so in harp and of course no practice - we don't have harp at home!
I felt so so happy when the mother of their teacher who is a very experienced lady in music came to me at the end of the lesson and said - they are musically talented - so if they practise they can learn and progress far faster than many other kids.
I felt so embarassed to be caught speechless (because I just choked feeling so happy!) We may not be learning music for long, or we may have to move to a place where they will not have the opportunity - but who cares - today it sounds good, today I felt happy :) As a friend said," the little joys" :)
Arunav's first poem
Arunav wrote this poem in school. He did not get any award - another girl in his class got it. The first attempt and a boy's attempt shows in the writing, but I am immensely proud of it - specially the last paragaph! I could not help laughing at the typical boy's stuff though: aliens, monsters, aborigines - ha ha ha!
The Magic Brain
I will put in the magic brain
Awkward aliens actually adventuring in and achieving airplanes,
a dream of a running boy,
And an army of aborigines absorbing apples.
I will put in the magic brain
The whole city of Melbourne frozen to ice,
A man with nostrils like ice and eyes like fire,
And an elephant man.
I will put in the magic brain
Arjun achieving something great and shouting ‘YIPPEE!’
My sight going all fuzzy
And a possibility of a King checking a King in chess.
I will put in the magic brain
Monsters falling in love and
a man and woman joining forces,
Lorenzo suddenly being sent to Dreamland.
All around my brain
Are Greek myths,
In the corners Hydras
and the Telkhines are slaves for the center.
I shall
Dive down deep and see,
What glories await me.
Then change things I despise
And have an unstoppable future.
The "introspection day" :)
Does 'what other's think' affect everyone equally?
I hate this thing in me which makes me feel unbelievably sad when others don't like me or rather I feel they don't like me - specially since I like most of them. I cannot 'not like' them even when they dont like me! It is as if I need the approval of others... that image of the girls in novels described as 'needy' pops up in my mind and totally disgusts me. So if I am crazily busy with stuff and cannot always stay in touch with every friend in town (I like almost all of them equally for each are likeable in their own way!) and they dont give me the same 'friend' status anymore, it makes me sad. I am supposed to think true friends will not think that way, but I dont feel like defining these others as 'not-true' friends, so I am stuck!
Ah, that must be the Leo in me :(
Worried moms
Everytime I go for the kids' Parent Teacher meeting, I come out confused yet happy. Happy because the teachers rave about them - confused because I don't think they are that great so I wonder if they are not observed well enough and the feedback is just a bit wishywashy thing to keep parents happy or am I just a type who worries too much?
Really, I have never done so much self introspection as I have done after I had kids - I am never sure of anything anymore!
The anniversary
Yesterday ma called. She told me, ‘Today’s 10th March. Bapi passed away this day.’ I noticed she thought she needed to remind me or maybe she was just recounting. Every year Holi means the same to me. Of course, we have moved on but we have moved on differently. The me that was moving on before the incident is not the same me that is moving on after the incident. I don’t know if that is good or bad, whether it ‘should be’ that way or not – it is just the way it is. Well wishers may tell me, moving on means getting back close to your previous self – it really doesn’t always happen that way – at least it did not happen that way for me.
I see his death in ma everyday.
ॐ त्र्यम्बकम् यजामहे सुगन्धिम् पुष्टिवर्धनम् ।उर्वारुकमिव बन्धनान् मृत्योर्मुक्षीय मामृतात् ।।
The sense of ending
is a book I recently read and really liked. I liked the very realistic reflections on life. I like the very realistic characterisation. I can almost imagine such a character sitting in a cafe - a very normal human being. Yet how difficult it is to portray a very true to life human being, for they come in so many characters... each of us see so many of them. To stick to the image of one and not put in shades of other characters in that portrayal - it is difficult.
Moments that cost only a thought
I sat on the school bus with Aarushi after doing a back and forth guilt trip (which I will describe in another post). Sometimes I looked at her immensely glad face because I was there with her. I was glad I got off that other bus, took the one going exactly the opposite way and came back to go with her back from school - it was totally worth the madness :)
Soon Aarushi got busy chatting with A sitting next to her. I turned my head to look at a lone girl sitting on the other side of the alley and wistfully (no, I did not imagine that.) looking at us. I gave her a bright smile, as bright as I could muster at the end of another day spent running all over town. Her face lit up brightly with the most beautiful smile. I loved that moment. A bus full of no friends (it is different from "a bus with no friends") and a hostile bus mother - I am sure I brightened up her small moment. How little some things cost - just a thought.
Aarushi !!
Aarushi is mesmerized with all things sinful! She loves (to the point of being addicted) candies, chips, TV, video games, white skin, long straight hair, beautiful faces - ok they are not all sinful, but sinful to crave for since you cannot really get so much of them, if at all.
Yesterday while disciplining her I had to take away iPad time - I told her she wont get iPad for a month. I will not forget the shock and horror in her face... the way she howled and howled at the thought of it. The fact that it meant so much to her scared me!! And I have absolutely no clue why she is this way... who says girls are easier to handle!
Strings of motherland
There's always something magical about songs.... this one's been in facebook for sometime and I cant ignore it anymore.... in spite of the fusions, in spite of the pronunciations....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VcaiUOmjDQ&feature=share
It makes me stop midway of work. It makes me realize I have a part of me somewhere that loves to sing, that loves music, loves songs. It is a very normal plain song. There is no musical ingenuity.... and yet there is something about the words and the music all bengalis have grown up with.... that I cannot ignore. Why ignore? Ah, the veneer of forgetfulness is essential to survival.... and now that I am done with conundrums, let me talk of the kids.
I am loving a bedtime routine we had started sometime back, stopped in between and have renewed again and that's 'bedtime meditation' and chant of 'ohm'. It is so soothing and calming that I realized I need it more than the kids! Luckily for me, so far the kids love it too and it is the sweetest experience to watch them in padmasan, eyes fluttering in an effort to keep them closed and with all sincerity breathing in and breathing out with their little lips puckered in the shape of "ohm" :) Absolutely priceless!
Chhoto chhoto asha (little hopes)
The kids bunk bed created huge excitement and they are so happy with that little space they have of their 'own'. All sorts of things go in there... little candies, a bow and arrow (pushed into one corner), some small cars, a talking phone and.... of course lots of books! For a long time people told us they outgrow it so fast, don't get a bunk bed, it becomes useless - but they love it when it is there. The small wishes that last for 1 or 2 years are of immense importance too :)
The strength and the weakness
So when A left, I was surprised that I still had in me the capacity to cry - trying to delete that number.... Then I wondered at the thought - so is 'able to cry' a capacity. I think yes. To be able to feel, to be able to care, to be able to miss - IS a capacity and the loss of that capacity is the loss of being, a vacuum.
The chance song which laid covered in the dust of forgetfulness,
the forced forgetfulness, the enforced forgetfulness.
The chance of sad luck, the chance of good luck
what should it be called. The song laughs at the pained face;
The song mocks at the restrained tears;
The song ridicules the crumbling strength...
Ah forgetfulness, how flimsy is that veneer!
Bright and Happy when Sunny
After 3 weeks the sun is out. It is amazing, it is beautiful and totally yayyyyy! A left, my dissertation is in bad bad shape, my two papers this term is even worse, S is travelling for 2 weeks..... but I dont care! I love the sun, I love the wind, I love the blue sky and the warmth!
