Aarushi feels hot when she wears a vest inside her top or dress. Everytime she throws a fit, so our helper told her, 'you are a girl, you need to wear a vest inside. It is not decent if you do not'. She made a face and declared, 'It's so difficult to be a girl. I don't like it.' I am sure I will soon get requests of how she can change herself to a boy just like I got a request of changing her brown skin to white!
posted by Tuya @ 10:15
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Finished my essays yesterday - felt free like a bird
Flew all day high and low - chirped and chirped :)
If it was not for friends, life would be so very dull, so very boring and so very bare. Nothing like picking up a phone and chatting nonsense or picking up a phone and cursing some a***ole or picking up a phone and saying, I am coming over now.
A is as priceless as anyone ever will be in my life. She laughed and said today - you were always like that - you worked your heart out on something you like and never touched a subject you did not like - remember me and S used to get worried - that crazy girl is not studying at all - what will she do in the exams?
I had forgotten and it all flashed back and I had tears in my eyes. They understood me better than myself sometimes, they cared for my grades more than I cared to think of my grades - and we were in the same class and competing with each other! If I can pass on that value and care to my kids, pass on the ethics that human relations stand above competition, I will feel very proud of myself indeed. Will that be the right value - for me, yes - definitely. It's not only about how much they cared, it's also about how balanced she is. OK enough of A now :)
posted by Tuya @ 17:17
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I am absolutely loving writing my essays - why did I wait for so long ? While doing literature review, this is what I am listening to - wow, I would love this job. If I had more time, if I had no sick kids and husband to take care of, if it was a perfect world, I would crack this one - but all of us work under constraints and that's what life is all about, how we do our best - under constraints - the last two being the operating words, is what matters.
http://www.unesco.org/education/tlsf/mods/theme_d/interact/mod21task02/uncom21t02_vo.htm
posted by Tuya @ 15:28
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Aarushi wrote in her mother's day card. I love you mama, but not when you are scolding me. She is very clear that her love is only conditional :)
posted by Tuya @ 09:17
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Where's that piece of paper I loved to doodle on?
I threw it away in despair oneday
But it kept flying back in the wind
"chharale na chhare ki koribo taare"
irritating, silly crumpled piece of paper.
I don't need it anymore, I don't doodle anymore.
I write serious stuff, can't it see?
And then the seriousness left me, it bored me.
I realized, it's doodle that I want.
Where's that piece of paper I loved to doodle on?
posted by Tuya @ 21:52
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There's a me and there's a you.
Central to me is you.
In the attempt to keep you, let's not lose me.
For if there's no me, there's no you.
The micro or the macro, which cosm do we serve ?
Which cosm do we fulfill ?
The eternal quest of me within you and you within me.
But 'we' do not exist, it is always you and me.
posted by Tuya @ 23:41
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I took part in a panel discussion with top educationists from UNESCO, UNESCO HK, etc. My day was really busy and I came to know the topic yesterday - having to balance all other things including taking care of a French family staying with us, I had exactly 30 mins to write down a bit of my thoughts before I again had to scramble from one thing to the other. In spite of that, I spoke sense, coherently and so many people came and congratulated me. I felt glad and after a long time I ached for that achievement - I came back home, sat with the kids and kept thinking of what the senior professor told - lot of talent are unused in the realm of parenthood, it is a challenge for the society as well as inidividuals how much we push ourselves, what we think is balance.
I dont know the answers to those big questions, but I just know I lapped up the appreciation and realised how much I miss it, even though I deny myself of it, even though I do not want to trade my time with the kids for it. But it hit me well and hard that I do miss that space of mine. I miss the other part of me.
posted by Tuya @ 23:30
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Arunav and Aarushi had their first piano recital yesterday. It was brilliantly done by a mother and daughter duo (their teacher and her mom). I was impressed by the way the children played - they were kids but the recitals were mostly very good! Lovely to hear the music - Chopin, Beethoven, Mozart, etc. Arunav played Chatanooga choo choo - he has been learning for less than a year, so it was a hard piece for him but he did it very well. Aarushi played Cant stop the beat - she could have played a harder one I thought for she had perfected the piece long time back. Loved the way they went up, bowed to the audience, sat down gracefully and played. They even played a simple piece in harp - that sounded so beautiful. I really love the harp, but their teacher says it gets hard. Hmm... I have no idea. It was such a lovely evening !
posted by Tuya @ 09:19
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Aarushi at bedtime asked me if we are going to change house. Not knowing where she was going with the question, I said I dont think so, why? She said, 'Mama can we please change our house?' Asked why again, she said, 'Because I want to live in a white house.' Arunav quickly added, ' Mama she means "the White House", not a white house - she was reading about Barack Obama in the morning.' Aarushi said, ' Yes, mama can we please live there? Ask Papa to buy it.'
She was very disappointed at mama's response and told me I need to have positive thoughts and not say no to everything !! (yup that quote was coming right back at me)
posted by Tuya @ 20:07
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are absolute chicken soup for souls when done in the right frequency with the right people. Her daughter, my son are at daggers end most of the time and yet there is some magic about it when three of us meet. Our friendship is not linked with that of our children.
It came to an end today, but it stays... for we carry fond memories and the wish to stay in touch even when far. A good bye I always cherish. The Bong connection, the French connection, the mesmerising lady connection, the laughters that never stopped, the tears that we shared - they all built up to something beautiful that we carry with us. They are the strength behind our pains, they are the shining sun on my window panes, the words that make my day and ones that we carry with us a long long way.... A farewell to U.
posted by Tuya @ 18:37
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There's a certain connection between things that is beyond our - well at least, my power to explain or understand. I have so much to do and yet I cannot take my mind off the trip I made last year. That place surely has mesmerizing effect on people. Somewhere it was described as a place which "makes the unholy, holy and the holy, holier" - how true that is. There was something about it which makes the normally proud, arrogant me - humble. You feel empowered to achieve but you know you owe it to greater powers. Powers which are beyond you to even understand or analyze - let alone explain. Is it because nature there is so overwhelmingly powerful and untamed - is it that power of nature that touches you or is it something more?
Faith, belief is thrust upon you at every step you take, at every action that somehow take place - till you stop fighting that faith with your logic. At the end of it you feel humble and grateful to just surrender the logic to faith which seems to go a much longer way than logic ever can.
Ma kept crying as she reached the peak - she could not explain why that was the place where her whole being found it natural to express the grief that is inside her. The last 1+ km, I could not wait for the couple whom I was helping along the way and who also provided me with the mental strength to cover the distances even though my body was giving up - I reached the peak and there was peace, it was not pride but humility at having been allowed to make it - my body did not feel a thing, I walked slowly, peacefully without any pain. But when I went back to pick up the luggage of the couple, it was as if retribution struck when my pelvic joint just collapsed - was it only my mind playing tricks or was it really someone telling me - I have no right to carry someone else's burden, it's theirs, it's not for me to take it and give them relief - they need to carry their own cross!
I fought hard to explain medically what could it have been that I could not carry that bag for even 5 steps before I collapsed when I was absolutely fit just before that - I had walked down half a km from the peak after finishing the 14K, without a pain or much effort. I did reach the lagging couple and yet not 5 steps with the burden they were carrying....
Yes, there are so many things that I could not find a satisfying answer to, that I finally did give up.
How did that ashram person know, after the visit we will not have any stops in the journey? Was it common local knowledge of the typical areas of problem - but how can that be - we went back the same way or was he just guessing and it just turned out to be true - but then who gets the benefit of doubt?
Why do people say you should not go to Badrinath without paying a visit to Kedar - why there have been so many incidents when people tried to do the other way round? There did not seem any logical geographical explanation to me.
Is it the myths that surround you, is it the courage and strength of the people making the journey with you, is it the unity you feel with complete strangers who pass by with few words aimed at you? My logical thoughts hit a wall when I keep analyzing - belief gives more relief.
That man on the way, when I was crossing the '2 kms to Kedar' mark - the lanky fellow who came from the other side - just looked straight at me, smiled and said,'The next 2 kms they say is the hardest, but it will be easy for you' - all the words were uttered while he was walking and he just crossed me and vanished down the path. Was the effort on me showing and he wanted to encourage as so many people were doing to each other? I dont think so, because the people accompanying me did not notice anything. They thought I was still going strong when in reality my hip bones were hurting like hell and I had to muster up all my mental strength to take each step - I felt like an invalid whose hip is not working and yet has to walk as there clearly was no other way - yet, that man said that. Maybe he had similar feeling around that time - but why me and not the couple with me who was clearly in need of more encouragement?
Those words did provide me the strength, for those last 2 kms lived upto their notoreity. Yes, at the end I had to give up on generosity - I had to leave the couple behind. Something around my head told me, if I stop now I can never make it to the end for every stop was causing more pain than was bearable, continuous walking was the only way.
Yes, for me it is and it always will be "the place" which nothing else can ever replace. It was my homage, it was my penance, it was my karma, it was my journey and the feeling of being blessed by something or someone who still called me, 'my child'.
posted by Tuya @ 10:44
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You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world. But it takes people to make the dream a reality. Walt Disney
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