Mumbai
after 2010.
The rainy season is supposed to be an irritant, but pleasant when indoors. The breeze is cooler, the green looks fresh washed. It's nice. It's soothing.
There's a struggle everyday. There's a destiny to be fulfilled.
The octogenarian in fresh white kurta-pyajama smiled and said, you are a lucky one who is getting such an opportunity and they are the lucky ones to have you. I agreed, but I do not want this opportunity, I do not want me or them to be lucky this way - not for what I have to do, but for what she has to go through to make me lucky. What I have to do fades in front of what she has to....
But that slim, smiling, still standing straight 80 year old person impressed me at his capacity to stay positive - in spite of what life has dealt out to him.... what strength, what attitude. Many of us just speak our attitude - he is living it.
To show or not to show
When coming back from the book fair, Arunav kept asking where Aarushi was, what she was doing, can she play with him, etc. It was obvious he missed Aarushi, who is down with the worst throat infection I have ever seen.
When we reached home, I told Aarushi how dada misses her. I said, "You never ask for dada like this. Dada loves you so much." She looked at me and said, " I also love dada and I feel like that but I just don't say."
:)
Rant
So yesterday I sent a message to a friend asking him to talk to his doctor brother in law. I wrote to him, you know the major issue is peripheral neuropathy and we would like to know how to address it.
I smiled to think what the reaction of this poor friend might have been, as he has not even heard of myeloma :)
That's how much the world has changed. All I hear and think about is multiple myeloma, peripheral neuropathy, thrombogenic nature of the myeloma drugs, regimes, prognostic tests, creatinine level, thalidomide, velcade, dexamethasone..... ha ha words that would have induced immediate brain shutdown even 10 days back..... now they form my world. I even know the short forms PN, CBC, etc :)
Why again did I decide not to take that medical entrance exam? Life does come a full circle, doesn't it?
End of rant.
To make my life a perfect medical one, Aarushi decides to fall sick again.
When
you see saints in the form of doctors, God does come alive in flesh and blood.
A polio cripple since 8 year old, who cannot get out of a wheelchair, telling this fragile, scared 66 year old woman, she has no reason to worry - she will live for 10 years and who has seen beyond that :) Giving confidence in 2 adult males who howled at the thought of losing this central figure, that there are no worries except that life is limited and who does not know that.... to say she is in the last stage of cancer and yet there's hope, lose the fear. To make them lose the hopelessness and get back into action - that makes you believe in the real God - he's here, he's in us.
Also
there are people who come from the stars and help you as though who you are, what you are, are not important considerations - the situation is the important consideration. Did you call and talk to them every month, did not matter. What mattered was "someone you know needs help" or rather "you know someone needs help" (not necessarily 'someone you know') and it is in your capacity to help, you keep your brain working till you find out how, in what way you may be able to help.
Both pictures live side by side in peaceful co-existence :)
And
people stay away from you because all that you think and talk about is all that they do not want to think or talk about. So was I, a few days back. You need to learn to stop speaking what you are thinking, what is killing you.
People do not want to ask you for fear of what they might hear - THE fear.
The beholder
6.00am.
The sun streamed through the window with the promise of another bright, blue-sky day. The softest, gentlest, coolest breeze blew the curtains. A treat for the senses. The 'me' who equated sunshine to high spirits a few posts back, felt dull glum gloomy and stared at the spectacle listlessly. It aroused no interest.
Someone has poured gall over the days. The eye wears that grey tinted glass.
It has not yet started, but the fear, the fear, THE fear. Paralyzing, crippling fear.
A Greek word I wish I never knew, I wish never came into my world - "myelo".
We all survive or die on it, yet I wish I never knew.
And yet it stands in front of me like an invisible black stone - hard in its presence yet so elusive.
The greatest twister in the family
Yesterday we were travelling back in a really packed train. Aarushi started playing a game where she tells me something to scare me and I have to pretend to be scared by jumping or making faces, etc. So she suddenly tells me, "Mama, there's a big rat behind you." Being in a jam packed train, I could not jump or move, so I told her, "Aarushi this is not the place to play this game." Without a second's delay she said, "OK mama, there's a little darling in front of you..." and hugged me tight.
Ha ha, she still remains the fastest one in the family to twist a situation around.
And what would life do to you, if these small little wonders of nature did not exist... God certainly works in mysterious ways.
Just a piece
of news can turn a day.
They suspect with 85% certainty, it's myeloma. It was curious that I did not feel surprise. Why should I? The search words "low WBC weakness loss of appetite" in google threw up the same word at me and I already knew it was coming. I already felt it when she was here... her weakness, not eating, the pain in breast, it gave me cues towards that dreaded word.
It seems it is "incurable but treatable". What does those words mean is what we are going to find out in the next few months, years...
9/11 or....
Yesterday it started pouring in the afternoon. We had plans of cycling, but shelved it in favour of watching a cool documentary that popped up. As we started browsing interesting documentaries, we landed onto one of 9/11.
Arunav said he knew about it. When we asked Aarushi, the answer was very prompt, "I know of 7-11, that shop - is that what it's all about?" :)
Helpless
How helpless is helplessness?
To care
where none is expected.
To help
where none is accepted.
To love
when it's not welcome.
How painful is helplessness.
How invisible is that pain.
How slow a death is that pain.
What a poison pill is that pain.
Killing softly, the sweetness.
Killing surely, the 'human-ness'.
How life turns from green to brown
slower than those leaves falling down.
Ha, how utterly hopeless is helplessness.
Till the hope shines in the imagination
Till the light is kindled
Till the better story is told
Till the magic unfolds
Till the bruised soul he holds.
Summer means Lego Mania
A very satisfied Aarushi after finishing her submarine.
Few days of beautiful Hong Kong
Right by the side of the HK Heritage Museum. Come rain or shine, this time in HK is beautiful!
On our morning walk today, which we suddenly decided upon. The morning sun broke through the clouds and streamed on us with welcoming arms - no it was not hot! The post T3 weather had the loveliest of breeze blowing - the best possible start to a day!
To R and R
In fond remembrance
of a home, friends and food
that touch the heart
warm my being
and make me long to
go back again
and again.
I miss India.
An affair to remember :)
So we went to the Heritage Museum. In the shows it was showing, a documentary "Hong Kong past: Wedding Affairs in the 1800s".
While we were debating to see or not to see the show, Arunav commented, "What's the point of seeing this show? There will be an affair and then divorce - I do not like all this."
The parents were speechless and Aarushi was all ears!
