Links and Homages
There's a certain connection between things that is beyond our - well at least, my power to explain or understand. I have so much to do and yet I cannot take my mind off the trip I made last year. That place surely has mesmerizing effect on people. Somewhere it was described as a place which "makes the unholy, holy and the holy, holier" - how true that is. There was something about it which makes the normally proud, arrogant me - humble. You feel empowered to achieve but you know you owe it to greater powers. Powers which are beyond you to even understand or analyze - let alone explain. Is it because nature there is so overwhelmingly powerful and untamed - is it that power of nature that touches you or is it something more?
Faith, belief is thrust upon you at every step you take, at every action that somehow take place - till you stop fighting that faith with your logic. At the end of it you feel humble and grateful to just surrender the logic to faith which seems to go a much longer way than logic ever can.
Ma kept crying as she reached the peak - she could not explain why that was the place where her whole being found it natural to express the grief that is inside her. The last 1+ km, I could not wait for the couple whom I was helping along the way and who also provided me with the mental strength to cover the distances even though my body was giving up - I reached the peak and there was peace, it was not pride but humility at having been allowed to make it - my body did not feel a thing, I walked slowly, peacefully without any pain. But when I went back to pick up the luggage of the couple, it was as if retribution struck when my pelvic joint just collapsed - was it only my mind playing tricks or was it really someone telling me - I have no right to carry someone else's burden, it's theirs, it's not for me to take it and give them relief - they need to carry their own cross!
I fought hard to explain medically what could it have been that I could not carry that bag for even 5 steps before I collapsed when I was absolutely fit just before that - I had walked down half a km from the peak after finishing the 14K, without a pain or much effort. I did reach the lagging couple and yet not 5 steps with the burden they were carrying....
Yes, there are so many things that I could not find a satisfying answer to, that I finally did give up.
How did that ashram person know, after the visit we will not have any stops in the journey? Was it common local knowledge of the typical areas of problem - but how can that be - we went back the same way or was he just guessing and it just turned out to be true - but then who gets the benefit of doubt?
Why do people say you should not go to Badrinath without paying a visit to Kedar - why there have been so many incidents when people tried to do the other way round? There did not seem any logical geographical explanation to me.
Is it the myths that surround you, is it the courage and strength of the people making the journey with you, is it the unity you feel with complete strangers who pass by with few words aimed at you? My logical thoughts hit a wall when I keep analyzing - belief gives more relief.
That man on the way, when I was crossing the '2 kms to Kedar' mark - the lanky fellow who came from the other side - just looked straight at me, smiled and said,'The next 2 kms they say is the hardest, but it will be easy for you' - all the words were uttered while he was walking and he just crossed me and vanished down the path. Was the effort on me showing and he wanted to encourage as so many people were doing to each other? I dont think so, because the people accompanying me did not notice anything. They thought I was still going strong when in reality my hip bones were hurting like hell and I had to muster up all my mental strength to take each step - I felt like an invalid whose hip is not working and yet has to walk as there clearly was no other way - yet, that man said that. Maybe he had similar feeling around that time - but why me and not the couple with me who was clearly in need of more encouragement?
Those words did provide me the strength, for those last 2 kms lived upto their notoreity. Yes, at the end I had to give up on generosity - I had to leave the couple behind. Something around my head told me, if I stop now I can never make it to the end for every stop was causing more pain than was bearable, continuous walking was the only way.
Yes, for me it is and it always will be "the place" which nothing else can ever replace. It was my homage, it was my penance, it was my karma, it was my journey and the feeling of being blessed by something or someone who still called me, 'my child'.
posted by Tuya @ 10:44
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