A Mama's World

Arunav's farewell to S

2012-02-09T13:30:00.004+08:00

When the kids go to school, and I sit near the window, a book, a cup of tea - I say a small thank you for just being. To whom is my thank you, I dont know.

The months they passed by, the hairs they have greyed,
I dont look old, I still look happy and gay.
She asked me, why dont you dye your hair;
I realized I could smile and think,'I really dont care.'

Arunav's very good friend left Hong Kong. We went to bid them goodbye at night, we had dinner and the boys played till midnight even though they had a flight at 11.00 next morning. Next morning, Arunav woke up at 6.30 and asked me,'Mamma am I late to say bye to S? Can we go to the airport?' I woke up with groggy eyes and wondered what to say... we would have to leave at 7.30 if we have to see them and that also for probably 20 minutes.... it's quite crazy, but then it IS about being crazy and in my heart I still dont believe in being sensible about these.

So 7.30 in the morning we went and it being HK Marathon weekend, it took us ages before we reached and before we came back. At return, Arunav just said,'Mamma, it took long but it was worth it.' That's the crazy son of the crazy mama 'If you dont love too much you dont love enough'.

And this post is to A, without whose insistence I would not have come back.

Border nor Breed nor birth?

2011-02-07T19:12:00.002+08:00

Arunav came back today with a sulky face. When asked he said, "I was teased - they said I have a black bottom. The teacher scolded them and said he will detain them."

All that's very fine - but will that take away the hurt it has caused him? The damage isnt it done? It reminded me of the popular legal tool used - of telling something about the accused which is damaging and not allowed by legal rules. The opposition lawyer says "objection" - the judge says "sustained". But the words have been said, they have entered the minds of the jury, the minds of people .... the damage, the task is done.

The interview

2011-01-20T13:26:00.002+08:00

Aarushi's interview yesterday went on for 1hr 40 mins - it was in a group, so of course each child was not interviewed for that long but even then it is a long time for the children to be inside AND for the parents outside! The stress on the parents who gulped down coffee and tea in litres was too obvious.

Moms - good or bad!

2011-01-19T18:42:00.002+08:00

I have heard as soon as you become parents you get not only your child but also a small bag of guilt which you always carry around with you - but I wonder how many times I need to peep into it!

We took Arunav for eye check 3 years back.... when the doc said,'oh he has no issues.' Last month, we were shocked when he could not read a really big billboard and that's when we realized his eye check is overdue. Today the doc said he has -3.25 power in each eye which made that little bag of guilt I was carrying suddenly inflate itself into a hot air balloon. The doc said, it has grown over the years you just detected it late (which of course did not really prick that balloon)....

BUT Arunav is super excited - yayy, can I have my glasses today! The doc gave me a very amused look - crestfallen me and elated Arunav.

The new world

2011-01-18T21:23:00.003+08:00

and do we really realize when and how we slowly creep into it?

I was doing my routine. Reading them books at bedtime - I was explaining what a thimble is....and Aarushi asked,

'But mamma - what IS a needle and what is stitching?'

For one shocking moment I realized, she has never till date seen a needle nor has she seen anyone stitching. We hardly get any tears; they outgrow their dresses before they tear....
It made me feel uncomfortable of the world around me - suddenly it felt so unreal. But that unreality is real now....

The cry

2011-01-17T09:58:00.002+08:00

I write every year at this time. This time of the year always affects me so deeply. The school interview time. It deeply affects me because I watch the little children and their parents. I cannot decide for whom my heart feels more. There is something wrong in the system that every year I cannot but feel 'this is not right'. Yet I dont know any other way.

I was sitting in C - one of the famous international schools in HK. Aarushi had gone in for her interview. Unlike our first time there with Arunav, I was relaxed and knew it was not the end of the world. I also knew my relaxation had a threshold (it was not like I was watching a funny movie!). And so was Aarushi's - she knew it was not a 'playdate'!

As I sat with the sun streaming down my back, sipping a warm cup of tea - there came this heart-rending cry of a child echoing in that huge high-ceiling hall "I AM SOOORRRRY PAPA". The cup in my hand trembled at the sound - it really pierced through me. And it came on and on - again and again 'I am sorry papa" as the child wailed away.

The little 3 year old was standing outside the interview hall - his pants wet, mortified look on his face and still crying the same words. It was all I could do to control my tears. I saw the same look in the face of the 3 parents sitting across me....

And even now as I sit and write this I cannot forget that howl. And we think we are very convincing when we tell them "dont worry you will just go in and play"!

Back to Mama's world with the Chinese mom

2011-01-14T16:02:00.007+08:00

I return today. The other world rests.

So there is this article which created so much furor.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html

When I first read it, yes I was shocked and thought this must be a joke.
But then I saw it making the rounds everywhere, saw the outraged comments, some favourable comments - I realized it is not such a bad thing after all. Even if it was done by media for publicity of upcoming book, etc. It set people thinking; people who were sitting cushily on their chairs and parenting just like they would drink a cup of tea - it made them sit up, think, debate and made parenting an active job, the process of which also needs to be reviewed.

For me, it set me thinking after my initial outrage. Yes, actually children dont need freedom in many aspects of their life and if they are given that freedom - they feel very uncomfortable, they dont know where the boundaries are.
But the fun aspect should never be taken away. In fact, no playdates shocked me and then I realized in lot of these playdates the kids enjoy for a while before they end up being miserable due inevitable fights. However, what I dont know is if I keep them away from playdates will they develop their EQ of how to interact with others well enough?
Choosing the musical instruments for them - why not? I remember a very informed lady who has been running one of the most famous kindergartens had once told me.

Children independence is sometimes overrated. I have parents who come and tell me they ask the 4/5 year old children to choose which school they want to go to. That is being stupid, children cannot make such choices! But do you need to choose their toy for them - no that they should choose.

It made lot of sense to me - so yeah, after I sat back and thought - I still dont agree with many of the stuff in the article but I certainly have more overall respect for it.

Encore

2010-12-16T15:11:00.006+08:00

I told E, this is the worst exam I could ever have given and whatever I get in this exam is absolutely the lowest I can ever get - I havent touched my books for 3 months, I sat blurred of thoughts, blurred of vision, blurred of natural hearing and yet I sat for the exam - yeah I can't get worse than this...

So E, she laughed today when I still topped the class.

For me, I thought if that is still the best of the class - it means either my competitors are not serious enough or the course is 3 months' behind what it should be!

But it gives me that much needed boost, much needed pat - to get up and go again... let me think I am good and be happy about it....let me believe those words 'I am there'. A good end to the year.

Rocks and Stones

2010-12-09T16:28:00.005+08:00

A friend expecting a fourth child, Arunav seriously sick with chest congestion, Aarushi saying her lines perfectly in her Nativity play before bursting into tears because her angel dress was itchy, scoring 3 bingos in a scrabble game, feeling the passion for excellence while watching Social Network..............

the cold wind hitting my bare face - shaking me, begging me to look at it, standing right in front of me...

life flowing by with vitality, with bare beauty.

Friends

2010-11-26T10:35:00.003+08:00

Arunav and his close friend got onto the bus and sat down together. A 3rd friend came and his friend left him and went and sat with the other friend.
Even a month back I had seen him get upset about that. Yesterday, he ignored it - no reaction at all. I sat beside him, looked at him and asked,'Are you sad inside because your friend left you and went?'
His eyes brimmed with tears and he buried his head in my lap. It was all I could do to swallow my own as he did that.....
I managed to make him smile soon with other stuff and he is a kid, he forgets - soon the other kid will also come and play again - but those moments - is there any way we can stop those hurts? Even today, if a friend who has managed to touch my heart, leaves me - it hurts.... there is no solution.... I should not even try to prepare him. It is part of life which he has to go through.... I guess??

The Streets

2010-11-23T20:02:00.003+08:00

I gave Aarushi a bowl of warm just-popped popcorns. She liked it so much that she started eating with both hands and stuffing them in her mouth. I told her, 'Aarushi, eat little at a time - there is no hurry and it is your bowl.'

She thought for a while, slowed down and added,'But in school and parties I have to eat like this.'
:)

Diwali

2010-11-10T09:49:00.002+08:00

We had a Diwali Assembly in FIS last week. The kids sang, they danced and they saw a movie... - the whole school(primary) watched. We struggled to make things happen, we smoothed over differences of opinion among parents, we struggled to get the kids practise the songs and mantras, we had to digest criticism.....yes, in a nutshell we sweated a lot.

Last night when this mother said,'I am so thankful to you guys - now K is so proud of his identity as an Indian - he sang Gayatri Mantra to my parents over phone and they cried as they heard him - they could not believe it - thanks so much!'

It makes it worth all that sweat and tears, it makes it worth the effort because of the kids.... Yes the reflections of those small little lamps in everyone's eyes makes it worth it.

Craft

2010-10-30T21:37:00.002+08:00

by Arunav this evening.... hedgehog.

The Seaside

2010-10-30T18:32:00.007+08:00

The waves formed
The waves broke....

The festive season

2010-10-20T08:57:00.001+08:00

and the happily dressed bro and sis.
They love the traditional dresses with all the accessories - except when they are 'pricky'.

Kids and Parental pressure

2010-09-22T16:18:00.007+08:00

Even when I juggle to keep the balance between them and myself ...
Today when I went to school for a meeting and some parents said how they were amazed at Arunav's maths skills and they went on and on for a while...in spite of myself, I couldnt but feel touched.

I always try to think, they will grow and who knows who is going to become what - who is good in maths, who is good in art now at the age of 6 - does that ensure my little kids will be happy in life?

I want him to be a good human being
I want him to be happy
I want him to be ready to bear the storms of life....
I want him to be someone who can stay positive in spite of setbacks, failures and mistakes in life
I want him to never lose the zeal for life...no matter what life deals out to him

yes, that's all that I want for him..... (ha ha, such a long list of wants and then I say "that's all that I want for him!!)

So I try not to get myself too bothered about whether he does good in this or that. Yet, I could not but feel glad today...ha, I was disappointed at my reaction!

I have to tell myself 10 times over again - no dont be glad, if you feel glad about that, unconsciously you will want him to be good at this and that....so dont get into that trap....dont get into that trap of parental pressure of performance!

To swim

2010-09-21T12:06:00.004+08:00

When the swim support was taken away for the first time, Arunav/Aarushi struggled - they could stay afloat, they could swim already - but they did not know that, they still wanted to cling on to the support for dear life....when suddenly they realized - ah no, I dont need that anymore....I really can swim, I am not going to drown - this water all around me is not going to suffocate me, I am not going to go under. It takes them a while to know that, till that time they are petrified, they will not survive. Then they swim.

School again

2010-09-08T16:34:00.003+08:00

It was my first visit to the school after the summer holidays. If not anything else, the heat was killing me as I stood outside the gates waiting for the kids to come out. It was sunny, hot and humid. I looked up to the windows above the gate and wondered to myself why I was doing that, what was I looking for, what was I waiting for....all the time!! The kids came out.
The heat was sweltering.....the narrow road was full of complaining kids:
"I am tired, pick me up mama."
"I cant walk, it is so hot."
"When will the taxi come, why did you not buy a car?" :)
"Mama I want water."

The rain was much welcome when it finally came down in really big drops with great force.

At the dentists

2010-09-06T17:39:00.005+08:00

It is not funny - the number of times I have been to the dentist for Arunav.. I have never been for myself ever and this is my son!
I sit during these trials and try to focus on anything but that dreaded chair! Poor boy.

So I sat and watched the harbour with the orange clouds, the tall office tower - the windows of which reflected the setting sun right into the dentists' chamber. The ferries scurry from one side to the other. I can see the one leaving for Discovery Bay - long time .....and I dont want to see ferries anymore. So I turn and look at the promenade in front of the ferry. I can see myself sitting there on a night with the lights blinking on the shore, the breeze blowing, the cool of the late night of a very hot day and two women struggling with their pain, two souls trying to swim to the shore, two souls searching for the beauty that was..... was it an attempt to build back a crumbled bridge or just looking at the shambles of one that can never be built again.

I turn away. I go and hold the hand of Arunav so the teeth doesn't hurt.

When do I eat?

2010-09-01T09:34:00.002+08:00

Someone yesterday asked me, you blog so much - you are in FB - you are in chat - when do you eat?

I gave some lame answers like oh it hardly takes me a few minutes to write (which is true), I am really not so much in FB and chat is very very rare....but I guess the essence of that question was more like 'why do you write so much'???

Today morning when that question suddenly came to my head, my head answered because when I write I breathe. Now, I like that answer, it goes really close to what I feel....but how many people can understand that. They all have their noses, not their pens to breathe with...so I let it be. I cant help people's thinking...but I can still write :) Sometimes I write good, sometimes I write crap, sometimes I talk sense, sometimes I dont....but I love to write and I really dont need to be defensive about that, do I?

One from my niece

2010-08-30T10:27:00.003+08:00

It was a hot summer's day. The air-conditioning was blowing the room cool. There was a little sparrow skipping around outside the window. My niece (2.5 yrs old) watched it while trying to doze off for her afternoon nap.

"Where does the sparrow sleep?"
"In the nest, it's house is in the nest up in the tree."
"Is there air-condition in the nest?"

By popular demand

2010-08-29T17:20:00.002+08:00

OK, I have got an email, 3 phone calls and a face to face conversation asking me to post some thing about A and A.....oh yeah, I know people are sick of my banters....you have to bear with it for a while guys/girls....

As of now, this is something I can think of:

A and A had their TV time on Friday(not this Friday, another one). It was more than the usual hours and once bedtime came, we asked them to go to bed. Arunav complied. Aarushi still hung around us. Shyam had come back and it was our dinner time. We switched on "our TV". The Aarushi who was hanging around us suddenly jumps into the sofa, face dug on and starts crying.

'What happened Aarushi?"
Crying continues....
"Aarushi, we cannot understand what's wrong, if you just cry."
"I am very angry and I am very very jealous"
"Why are you angry and jealous Aarushi?"
"You get to watch TV and I have to go to bed."
"Aarushi, you watched TV for the last 2 hours - now it is mama/papa's turn."
"But you can't copy us, you say copying is not good!"

I wish I had her quick twist of logic to play around!

Ode to my friend

2010-08-25T11:20:00.003+08:00

"You know, mamma spent 6 hours shopping yesterday."
"No, I cannot believe that - your mama can spend 6 hours in a bookshop, but not shopping."

And that is the sort of statement that differentiate a childhood best friend from any other friend. It brings silly tears to this silly me...... specially the me-of-now who almost needs to hold the hand of one such for a long time! Even now as I write this I wish she came with me to HK :)!

There is always magic when you meet such friends - time has no meaning..... a 30 minutes conversation is so complete!

The smell of books

2010-08-21T13:20:00.003+08:00

is what hits you when you enter this street. The musty, dusty, mite-y, nose-tingling sensation is one feeling that I come back for in this place which is called College Street.
There is probably no books you cannot find in this weird haunt. You may have to dig deep through 1000s of really dusty books before you get there, but you will definitely find it. There are really big nice books stores in the city now, but I cannot get over the addiction of this haunt. When I am done, I have smudges all over my face and hands like a street urchin, but I also have the happy feeling and the smile that the little urchin probably carries :)
At times, I dont even buy the books. I love to be there (ok, I am weird!)..... I love to see the names, touch the books(explains the smudges!), flip through them and just catch a few lines here and there....
"....for the best is bought at the cost of great pain....or so says the legend"
"....que tout craque, amour et beaute..."
".....peeko kiba kunje kunje kuhu kuhu kuhu gay......"

and the cramped bookstore vanishes around you, you are in the world that the black printed words build up...... sometimes with Tennyson, Keats, Kafka, sometimes Baudelaire, sometimes Tagore...... you are free. No boundaries contain you.

Arunav turns 6

2010-08-19T23:37:00.004+08:00

He had more fun than he had in any of his birthdays! He distinctly flourishes in India.... he had a cake cutting with neighbours who have become friends; he went for an Afghani lunch with mamu(uncle - mother's brother) - loved tandoori chicken, khandaani naan, etc etc, his harmonica gift and the fast car....une voiture rouge qui est tres vite(how can someone stem the flow of memories!)
He is with ma, playing with mithi(mamu's daughter) and I have really not seen him so happy!

Counting my blessings!

Away from 'power'

2010-08-18T21:47:00.008+08:00

The heat was fading as the night advanced; the breeze from the surrounding trees picked up; the lantern(the bengali name of this lantern is pronounced 'harry-cane') glowed in the darkness which was as dark as darkness can get. At the corner of the room there was a lone firefly (jonaki) trying to get out. In spite of the heat, I loved that. Being as far away from ..... what shall I call it.... is it being far away from 'civilization'? No surely not, they are poor, they struggle for the daily bread but they ARE civilized - even when they push their way into the overcrowded bus, they are civilized. So what should I call this life away from the 'comforts' of urban life as we know it - being away from internet, electricity and even regular water supply inside your home.... Anyway, I digress....

I enjoyed it - life so basic. You light up a fire to cook food, walk to the nearest fresh water pond for water... when night comes and there's no electricity, no television, no internet, you watch the stars, smaller but brighter than many halogen lamps.... the moonlight on the pond water shimmering - so unreal and yet what is more real? You listen to the sounds of nature around - song to the ears; you sing your song.

When I see life like this, I forget all my insecurities, I realize again I dont need much to live. The 'comforts' - they actually make me weaker, make me more insecure; I think how can I live without them - I struggle to keep them; but I dont really need them to live real life. Life is simple.

Escher, Inception and Perception

2010-08-04T08:24:00.005+08:00

The other day when we watched inception, I pointed out to Shyam, the concept of never-ending staircases have been taken from the Penrose stairs and that reminded me of Escher's drawing of "Ascending and descending".... today morning I wanted to revisit his drawings - I used to be quite a fan of his in my school days...the concept of optical illusion so well and thoroughly explored.

When I was in school, I had to spend hours in College Street digging up books of Escher - thankfully there were plenty - but I had to take time to go and find the books. Now: I think about it when having breakfast, switch on the computer with my cup of chocolat (yeah, I have switched to this version from 'chocolate'), type it in google image and voila! I have the whole wealth in front of me - 5 minutes! I love the modern times :)

"There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception." A. Huxley.

Disney

2010-08-01T17:47:00.006+08:00

We spent the last 2 days in Disney resort. The kids were super happy - the highlight however was "we did not have to sleep early." I never thought that was such a point of unhappiness for them!

Toy Story 3 has motivated them and Buzz Lightyear ride got more attention than anyone else.

Back home

2010-07-19T19:21:00.002+08:00

It is peaceful. There's no one in the house. Shyam had to go to office. The kids went to play down and I am at home with the yellow lights on, there is not a noise but that of my typing. Outside sunset has happened, the evening sky is dark blue, the lights of the building are slowly switching on and it is soooo quiet. Most people probably are on summer vacation still. But I love this solitude and quiet. I dont want to hear even music, just me and this quietness - yes, home is beautiful too :)
Yes, this seems a new HK to me - all my illusions may vanish tomorrow, but who cares. Today it is there, today it is real. I can feel the night descending on the city - the sound of that is audible to me today, it is not covered up in the noise of phonecalls, talking to friends, arranging playdates, TVs, going to dinners.....today I can watch the sky turning from blue to deeper blue and then darker till it goes black. The lights in my room become brighter, the birds slowly return to the bunch of trees down there....

Lovely.

End of Germany

2010-07-18T20:25:00.004+08:00

17 days which started so slow and which flew by so fast. I am sitting in Berlin on a super big iMac and wondering what lies ahead.....I am not sure whether the thought of HongKong and home is welcoming to me or do I want a change again. I am so happy with this vacation....it seemed to crawl and then changed gear :) I loved the Beethoven Haus in Bonn. The music and the ambience(I cant seem to pronounce it in English anymore!) was so fitting. And that sunset on the Rhine in Koblenz, the few moments in Schwangau looking at the instrument that Richard Wagner held years back, the beautiful cute university town of Heidelberg and the heat of Bingen am Rhein...completely sunburnt in the whole vacation(38deg!!), the underground tunnels of that Burg....yes, I want to remember those moments.
I have to go back now.

Sunset

2010-07-02T19:16:00.002+08:00

Yess, the sun has set for today! We will go tonight to Germany....I want to go anywhere as long as I can get away from HK. No matter how beautiful the blue skies of HK are for the last 3 days, how lovely the white clouds - I have to get away, I have to forget all its beauty, its rainshowers. I hope when I come back HK looks different to me - after all it is in my eyes, isn't it? I hope the air is clear and I can breathe, I can live again.

Cups of tea, Packing and Friends

2010-07-02T00:33:00.004+08:00

all three of them have no apparent linkage - except I drank 20 cups of tea today while packing, taking printouts of google map of places in Germany we are visiting and watching Friends in between. Little wonder I cannot sleep even though it's past midnight.

Sometimes the humour of Friends bored me and yet I couldn't stop because it kept other thoughts at bay. Shyam got me 2 roses(whoa!) - I am sure he was hoping for less of Friends floating in our living room - didnt happen :)

It is weird, sometimes I feel the excitement of the trip coming ahead and then I just blank out into that 'no-feeling-zone' where I just want to sit in my living room sofa and not do anything. Hmm, which vacation am I looking forward to?

Sleep

2010-06-27T22:13:00.003+08:00

In the last 24 hours I have slept 7 times for a total of 15 hours.....it is a different experience to be able to sleep so much and the feeling when you wake up after a full (umm more than full) sleep. Had quite forgotten that feeling. Everything comes at a price.

Getting ready for vacation

2010-06-25T12:18:00.002+08:00

In July we are off to Germany and then India in August. Packing, thinking of packing, packing and thinking again.....
Arunav is very thrilled with the sleeping bags for the camping trip we have planned.

Lychee Farm in Tai Tong

2010-06-20T17:22:00.001+08:00

That's where the kids went whole day today to pick and eat Lychees. They went in a rented big bus. It was hot but they had more than enough fun.

A Break

2010-06-14T09:21:00.004+08:00

When I return will things be same
Will the door still creak to open;
the sticky mark on the table, will it be still there..
or the things I had left behind will undergo a change?
Will it be difficult for me to know them again
Should I look for things as they were
or should I just take them as new
As if I never knew more about them.

I tell myself, it is just a break
But it is never 'just'.

Black's Link again

2010-06-14T07:50:00.003+08:00

This walk was different.

Dark grey clouds hovered above. It was very misty, the mist touched us, made us wet , it was breezy, it was also fun. The lunch after, with the rain pouring outside was ......beautiful.

Priceless

2010-06-13T01:32:00.002+08:00

When I told a friend if I don't have interest in something I cannot make myself do it. She replied, yes I know you must have interest in order to do well, but I also know you will do well in whatever you choose to do.....why are such words balms for souls.....priceless! (I hope I dont sound too vain when I say these - maybe at my age I need these words! :)

Always makes me blink when I hear them and recently I am lucky enough to hear them ever so often - thank goodness for friends!

I have come to

2010-06-09T23:38:00.002+08:00

hate farewells. In this month, I am having to say good bye to so many friends and some of them just so close to my heart, that it is killing me. I wish I was a child who can cry and things change....if only, if only.

Merci time

2010-06-08T16:59:00.003+08:00

I heard today I got 97/100 in my DELF A1 and I am so happy and thankful to everyone who wished for me and also those who did not explicitly wish but I know their wishes are ALWAYS there for me! Giving me so much encouragement at the wee hours when I felt nervous(this time due to lack of proper preparation) and that voice which said, 'Dont worry, you are there! You cannot but be good.' Oh those words meant so much. Today when I read the results, I felt so happy and so on top of the world!

The wind beneath my wings - thank you!!

My growing little hearts

2010-06-07T07:41:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I was getting dressed for a party and after I wore my dress. Arunav said, mamma this one is not looking too good - the red one looks better on you. I am so not used to any feedback on my dresses that I was super happy - actually I was surprised that such a simple feedback can make you so happy - specially when it comes from your son! Life seems so beautiful because of these simple joys and simple surprises.

A knock from the past

2010-06-03T19:11:00.003+08:00

I dont really plan these memory trips, sometimes they just land on me - totally unplanned and as sudden as a knock on the door. And when you open the door, there is that piece of virgin memory standing in front of you.

It was like that when I got a photo of Somadi("DIDI") from Ruma.

In daily life, I dont remember her everyday. She is not part of my life. The photo was a memory labelled several decades back - a flash from the time when I did not know what to do in life, am I good at geography, am I good at maths - should I study geography, should I become a mathematician. Life unexplored, untouched.

In the midst of that uncertainty was the certain thing, I idolised this lady - looking back it is so difficult for me to reason why, was it because Ruma was so much a part of my life and I loved her as completely as I knew love then? Or is it Didi's personality and her constant encouragement for every success I attained - time has washed away the nuances.

So I did what she did and which sort of matched my strongholds....my future was shaped by her at that point in time.

So many years have gone by, yet as soon as I saw that photo I did not feel it necessary to stop the tears that flowed spontaneously, the feelings that wrecked through me. I guess this is as pure as love can get - you dont feel because of "anything", you just feel.

A song again

2010-06-01T06:32:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=6FYrrIJ6kI0&feature=related

It is more than the song this time since it is an eternal love story which Bengalis have read many times over. I read Parineeta when I probably first stepped into my teens and it was so unlike the other SaratChandra stories - a sweet love story with just a little twist and not too much pathos involved.
But this scene is so beautifully picturised! A morning treat for me.

Power of compliment

2010-05-30T17:43:00.002+08:00

We went out for lunch today. One of the people joining the lunch is not really a very close friend - in the sense he does not know us too well - just through friends. As soon as he walked in to the restaurant and saw Shyam, he said, "Hey, I heard you are the Aamir Khan of 3 Idiots, did not know but heard from friends!"

Just a short, simple sentence and it made me feel so incredibly happy - it was weird! That's how powerful a compliment can get! (Shyam did not know what to say except that typical wide grin!)

A rainbow of emotions

2010-05-30T01:12:00.003+08:00

Have you ever felt like scooping out a piece of time and bottling it so nothing ever changed and it remained as beautiful as it is today. You can see these beautiful times are about to change so soon and this mixture of feelings - beautiful and sad pulls at your heart and you wonder if this memory can be immortalized. You dont want to feel sad because the present is too beautiful - it does not deserve sadness. And yet you see the end of the beautiful moments coming up so fast as if it cant wait - oh yes, life can play so beautifully(no painful is not the right word) and so masterfully with emotions!

Those days

2010-05-28T09:53:00.005+08:00

How much fun can it be to talk to an old friend about funny stuff of old days and also sing songs over internet phone - the songs we sang when holding onto autorickshaws recklessly speeding across Bangalore streets, the songs we sang while washing dishes after office was over, while we cooked, while we ate our own cooked food(which was a disaster many times and yet...), when late at night all of us huddled together and chatted endlessly, teased each other endlessly.... remember quotes written outside someone's room "Souls in, soles out".....oh yes, nothing can replace the small stolen moments with old friends - a breath of fresh air in everyday life, and as my dear friend said "c'est comme des vacances dans la semaine."

The only thing we could not share was the beautiful cool breeze that flowed in through my window near my computer desk - technology has a little more to go to completely blur the distance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooovY3eDnjc

Nights, Days, Exams.....Empty.

2010-05-25T20:37:00.008+08:00

Yes, it is that time again - after THE exam and I am incredibly tired and contented and yet I am so restless.....I finished my DELF A1. It was easy as Serge had said but I felt happy finishing it well and now I dont know what to do.

I slept, woke up and now just sitting and listening to songs, reading random things, having coffee with friends, chocolates with more friends but there is an emptiness which the kids are not able to fill up. It is sometimes dangerous to step out of the 'defined zone' - you need to carve out your own path, there are no guidelines for you, no rules you can easily follow. You take the decision and you take the next step. If you are in the defined zone, you just need to look for the footprints already there.

"I hope you dance"

2010-05-23T19:51:00.004+08:00

Will it be good if Life stopped for me awhile
or is it good that it keeps me always in a whirlwind?
yes, i love the excitement and thrill of life
it turns me, keeps me on my toes
how dull it would be if it worked like a clock
if there were no storms, no strong winds to push me over
The surprises are sometimes good and
sometimes... but it is in motion nevertheless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2sfmcNg8js - yes still can never get over this song!

Changing life, changing thoughts and changing posts

2010-05-23T10:23:00.002+08:00

A friend told me the other day, how come your mama's world is having less and less post on your children. Hmm, am I not a mama anymore or is the mama's world changing?

Doesn't it always change? There are moments when I feel like stepping out and breathe differently, feel differently, sing differently, think differently. And then when I get back into this well-known world of motherhood, it does not seem a burden to me - oh yes, it does when I don't get to step out! I remember one of the management training lectures we listened to - holding a glass of water for 1 minute is not a burden but if you have to hold that glass for a whole day, the same thing becomes a burden.

So yes, I love putting down the glass and go and have bowls of chicken soup for my soul. I am amazed how I become a much better human being when I do that.

Teaching

2010-05-20T13:23:00.002+08:00

There are some teachers who shows doubt about students and some who believes the students. The ones who doubt always tries to trap the students in several different ways to check whether the student is really good or has prepared before and so can do stuff. And there are the believers who knows who is good and who is ok and so never bothers to trap them everytime.....the faith works.
Both are good teachers, both are involved but the latter leaves such a beautiful after-taste, a smile.

Kalboisakhi

2010-05-20T06:34:00.002+08:00

It rained heavily in HongKong yesterday and with loud claps of thunder. What is it that so excites me about a thunderstorm? It reminds me of "Kalboisakhi"(name of a convectional rain common in Bengal in summer) - where the sky used to get overcast in minutes and the storm used to blow the trees. The leaves and the mangoes used to drop off the trees under the orange and grey sky - it was nature at its most beautiful I have ever seen.
I am glad Arunav, Aarushi are not scared of thunders.

"You dont need to know"!

2010-05-17T07:32:00.002+08:00

Last night Aarushi has been crying buckets and we have absolutely no clue why. She was not coherent enough in the night. So in the morning, Shyam asked her why she was crying so much. She looked at him and said,"You dont need to know!"

I could have fallen off my chair - she is 3 years 2 months, what are we to expect at teenage! Who says children are helpless, has not taken a good look at the parents' plight!!

COPY

2010-05-14T06:34:00.003+08:00

I am completely copying something a friend put in her status in facebook today and why I am copying it is explained by the last line...
"how is it that one trusts the words that come when one looks at stars/cards....but can't trust the truth of one's own desire. Sometimes when you dont go looking for it and even when it was not originally intended for you, the answer strikes like a bolt."

Found that beautifully written and a very deep observation.

:) :) :)

2010-05-12T10:02:00.002+08:00

The loveliest coolest breeze blowing through my window at 5.30am, a song from RD Burman that touches my heart, a surprise call from a friend far away showing she cares for me and wants to know how I am doing after my operation, getting connected to another friend after 16 years and chatting like old times, someone telling you are precious.....

You dont need much more to feel high! That's my morning today and it seems strange to be so happy.

I must share that song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyb7kujJzdY

Mother's Day

2010-05-10T21:54:00.002+08:00

Arunav's message for Mother's Day got published in a children' newspaper in HongKong - he was thrilled. I liked the message :)

Life: the greatest gift we have

2010-05-03T19:29:00.002+08:00

When I visited the hospital today, I had to wait. I watched old and young passing by, waiting, worried, anxious, depressed. Some for loved ones and some for themselves. It was an aching moment to watch them. Do we always appreciate how lucky we are to be just healthy and having a life? So many times I find myself complaining about how someone was rude to me, if I have to run after the kids too much and get tired at the end of the day or if I dont like a certain change - how meaningless they appear when put in perspective. After a good 4 hours when I walked out in the warm sunshine under the bright blue sky, I almost had tears in my eyes - just being thankful for what I have and praying for so many who still were inside there waiting to see the sunshine.

Toi plus Moi

2010-04-30T08:12:00.002+08:00

Little children in Arunav's school were dancing to this song and it was such a magical experience that I had to share this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOru9ITtVIg

The meaning is pretty amazing too!

Ambassador

2010-04-29T21:29:00.002+08:00

When we live outside our country at every moment we act as ambassadors of our country to millions of people across. It is good we can never be conscious of the pressure that thought puts on us. It helps immensely if you are a naturally good ambassador.
In spite of all the rational thoughts that every country has good, bad, great and average people, when I meet an Italian, my experiences with the person always form a part of my notion about Italy. I interact with someone from Japan - her talks, behaviour makes up the little world of Japan in my mind - I add, modify when I meet another Japanese and so I form an overall idea.

It must be the same when the Italian, Japanese, French meets me. We have that responsibility. It feels great when you feel you do not do a bad job without being conscious of trying to be an ambassador but just being yourself - what a moral booster that can be!

Bribery

2010-03-29T12:21:00.004+08:00

I had to scold Aarushi for something - a solid good scolding. She stomps and cries for a while. Then comes back pouting her lips and has the gall to tell me "I will give you lots of stickers if you never ever scold me again."

I had a hard time wondering whether to laugh or scold her again! And no I have never bribed her into doing things - never told her I will give you stickers if you do something! I had a tough time maintaining my poise and telling her it doesnt always work that way....

Another Term Another Year

2010-03-23T22:12:00.004+08:00

Yes, I have been long drowned in French - it is like an intoxication you do not want to get rid of. Today again the exam is over and I can look around, feel my friends around, talk to my mother, read to my kids, laugh with them, motivate them, listen to my loved one - yes, I am back to real life.
The French exam was real too but when I am so deep into it, it almost feels like intoxication rather than real life !
And that's the answer to my dear friends who keep asking me how can I be good at something I have never come across before - never have French language appeared, even obliquely, in my life.....that's the only answer, you can get intoxicated to be good (hope it is needless to say I speak metaphorically!).

A Hard weekend

2010-03-13T23:35:00.002+08:00

3 of my closest friends in HK gave the news they will be moving...I always knew HK is transient but that does not make it any easier to digest the news. It still hurts.

Love of human beings

2010-03-11T23:57:00.002+08:00

The more I mix with people the more I love them. With all their meanness,selfishness,etc in most people there is a certain loveliness and softness which always touches me.

It's going to be alright!

2010-03-04T13:53:00.004+08:00

Arunav and I went to watch The Princess and the Frog a few weeks back. The previous movie he watched in big screen was the 3D movie UP and he was petrified when the dogs were chasing the Bird, he had big tears in his eyes and wanted to go home. So I was apprehensive when the Magic man and his dark ghosts (?) were onslaughting the screen. I kept asking him,'Are you OK?' and he said yes.
At the end when we came out I asked him, how come you did not cry this time when the ghosts came and it was a bit scary? He told ,"Because I know it will all become OK at the end, they will all be happy."

He got the idea of fairytale quite straightened out!

Just another day in my life

2010-03-02T23:07:00.004+08:00

End of day at last....my day was like this today:
6.30am-Get up and get ready yourself, Arunav
8.00am-Send Arunav to school and get ready Aarushi
9.00am-Send Aarushi to school
9.10am-Go to the library and finish French homework
9.30am-Run to the class(run down HK park,hop on tram and run rest of the way)
10.00am-First French class(1.30hrs)
11.30am-Eat lunch
12.00pm-Second French class(1.30hrs)
1.30pm-Take Aarushi to swim class right from the French class.
2.15pm-Swim with her(she's in parent and baby session)(45 minutes)
3.15pm-Change and run for the bus back.
4.00pm-Pick up Arunav
4.20pm-Snack for Arunav and Aarushi
4.45pm-Take Arunav to soccer class
5.00pm-Soccer class(1 hr)
6.00pm-Bring Arunav back and
6.15pm-Dinner for Arunav - Aarushi (completely delegated to helper at home)
7.30pm-Put them to sleep....
8.30pm-Try to catch up French after dinner
9.30pm-Give up in fatigue and browse Facebook instead...

What am I doing in Blog zone(freeing my mind!), I am so ready to crash....zzzz

"Where do you come from?"

2010-02-23T18:26:00.007+08:00

For some time I have been parrot-teaching my kids:

When someone asks where are you from say INDIA, if they ask where do you live say HONGKONG.

In Arunav's soccer class today a child asked him'where you come from' Arunav had just got back from school, he said,"From school, French International School." The child said,'no no I mean which country you live' Arunav said,"Of course HongKong, same as you silly(!!)" The child now was really impatient and said,'where were you born?' and Arunav said,"Tokyo, Japan" :))

I was amused and yet at the same time realized I keep under-estimating one important fact. Till the time we go back to India, they are Third Culture Kids and they face challenges which we find difficult to identify with. The moment they are asked a question simple enough to us,"Where do you come from?" their challenge starts!

First time parents

2010-02-20T14:11:00.002+08:00

A dear friend became first-time mother last Thursday. After I visited, and held the baby it took me back to the days of Arunav. It is interesting that it is always the first-born that comes to mind. Because only with the first born is that uncertainty, the stress of not being in control in spite of all your best efforts, the desperation to get it right, to perfect it and that occasional wish "these tiny little things should come with User Manual"(quoted from a friend) :)

She was such a cute little bundle moving her arms, making a fist, crying her lungs out when hungry - life so simple, so beautiful. I wondered why my eyes watered as I watched the nurse station - watching life evolving and forming is always a touching experience.

5 years of this blog

2010-02-19T12:49:00.002+08:00

I was casually browsing back on my posts when I realized it has been 5 years since I started this blog - yippee, I am happy I have kept it going :)

10 years

2010-02-11T18:34:00.003+08:00

We celebrated 10 years of our marriage. I am so happy that some things really grow better with time. "Drink life to the lees" : our anniversary was the most memorable time we have ever spent together.

Flash back

2010-02-07T21:51:00.004+08:00

Tonight we step back and revisit the past.
The moments are they still lingering around
or has time flown them away...where our reach cannot reach
Is there a familiar scent still holding on to the times
or have the fresh flowers engulfed one and all.
I step back and see.....yet I am afraid -
to spoil the beauty that my memory holds
Will the light of reality shine too harshly on my eyes ?
But my heart is hopeful, the light will be soft and mellow
and the times will be beautiful, forever and forever.

School admissions

2010-02-04T14:03:00.004+08:00

I hate these times for what it does to the parents. Thanks to so many lovely parents, a big majority of the children are quite oblivious of the pressure - it is the plight of parents which make my heart ache.

It is difficult for parents not to take the performance of the child as a statement of their capability. Logical or no, they always will. Mentally the parent is so involved with the identity of the child that the two becomes intermingled. That day, that hour will the child agree to go in the interview room or will (s)he cry or feel too nervous to do anything? Who knows and who can control?

Eternal debate

2010-01-27T14:42:00.003+08:00

As I reflect on what more I can do in life as my kids become older, I often get into this debate with my friends - the eternal debate of "working mom's child" and "non-working mom's child". (Though one other friend had once told me "non-working mom" is an oxymoron - and of course I liked to hear that :)

I really would have loved to know which child grows up better. For me statistics is meaningless - e.g. if statistics says 60% working mom's kids perform better in life - it really doesn't mean anything to me. There are so many questions attached to that, what is 'better in life', what if my child happens to be one of the 40%....and irrespective of all that, I really am hoping that I dont get into that vicious loop where I fool myself in believing that what I am doing today is for an end result. I am trying to keep myself out of that illusion - I want to believe I am doing what I do only for now and for today. If they feel happy now with what I do for them - that is and that should remain satisfaction enough for me.

If someday that ceases to be my satisfaction - THAT should be the day I should think of letting them be and do something which will give me that satisfaction.

Yet I am not there for them all the time - I go for my French lessons, I go out and dine with friends(even when the kids are yet to go to bed), I dont feed them(most of the time) and I dont think I need to be glued to them to be 'with' them, but I like to listen to them when they come back from school, like their excitement when I say I may pick them up oneday. It's simple everyday happiness that matters - not always the end result.

The Gondolier

2010-01-22T22:18:00.004+08:00

For Arunav's school which had Italy week...

Reflections

2010-01-21T22:27:00.003+08:00

I dont know why I am going through this 'philosophical phase' in life where everything I feel like writing, turns out to be philosophy! I talked and listened to someone in love today and I realized how someone in love is capable of lot of good out of the happy feeling overwhelming them and at the same time be very cruel...to anything, anyone that hinders them. There's nothing new about this but when life suddenly threw up this moment, the intensity and contrast of the two feelings startled me. But the light in her face was all-engulfing - it was beautiful!

'Life piled on life were all too little'

2010-01-15T09:22:00.003+08:00

A moment's peace is all I ask. And my prayers are answered today. The morning is cold and the winter sun is nice and warm on my window - both the kids are at school and I have time to feel, to acknowledge my feelings! I sat down to do my French but it couldn't express the happiness in me - that warm feeling of a contented soul. So I sat down to write.

The other day a friend asked why I am studying French, 'why the stress?' was her question and I was taken aback. For many studying is stressful - for me I am having so much fun and I relish it so much! I felt hesitant to say,"But there's no stress - I love it!" I felt I was one nerd who loved 'studying' - dont we all study in one form or the other - just the subject varies....This is life for me.

"How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
..........
Life piled on life
were all too little,....."

The funniest little thing

2010-01-13T09:19:00.003+08:00

Aarushi is turning out to be the funniest little creature! She just joined a little bigger school which has longer hours(3 hrs as opposed to 1.5 before). Yesterday while bringing her back, we walked through the lovely little path covered with trees and I asked her what she did in school(kids must be so bugged by this boring question moms ask every single day!) I was prepared to hear I sang I played but no, she very simply said,"I slept." It was all I could do not to laugh - but Aarushi there's no place to sleep in school! "Yes there is, I sat in the chair and slept!"

This is the thing I love about children - they are sooo sooo natural! How can one not fall in love with them?

A Reunion

2010-01-06T14:46:00.006+08:00

The man who ruled that class as completely as anyone could.

I had the best vacation this winter. I absolutely loved going back to my university - it was doubly pleasurable because so many friends visited and reconnecting with them felt so great! It was fun to see that some of the equations remained same, some had changed and some did not know whether the change has happened or not - so there was the air of unpredictability....but there was a general air of happiness around to meet old faces after life has induced some amount of certainty into what lies ahead :)
Just the stepping into the campus made us 10 years' younger and as I told a friend, I felt no different. The kids were the only reminders of an era having passed by.

"kuchh chhoti chhoti baatein rahe jaati hain..."

Edith Piaf

2009-12-16T18:21:00.003+08:00

La Vie en Rose - the first French film I watched. I loved it. It is the life of Edith Piaf who I now know is a legendary singer of France. It's the force in her songs that moved me so much - she sings with all her heart. My favourite is "Non, je ne regrette rien"

Non rien de rien
Non je ne regrette rien
C'est paye, balaye, oubliye
Je me fous de passe

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
Ni le mal tout ca m'est bien egal
Non, rien de rien
Non, je ne regrette rien
Car ma vie, car mes joies
Aujourd'hui, ca commence avec toi!

Rough translation:
No I dont regret anything
It's paid for, removed, forgotten
I am happy of the past.
Not the good things people have done to me, nor the bad things
It's all the same, no I dont regret anything.
Because my life, my joys
Today they begin with you!

But it's not only the words, it's the music and the way it is sung - what force in a song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q3Kvu6Kgp88

IIMB 10 years' reunion

2009-12-16T09:39:00.004+08:00

There's this magical place which is green and grey,with stone cobbled path and the breeze sways you away......where knowledge is revered and held in high esteem, that's where I am going to re-live my dream....

IIM Bangalore - I will visit it after 10 long years - the very thought of it is so cozy and warming and I am soooo looking forward to it - to meet friends that we care for no matter where we are after 10 years. Who cares whether that dearest face and smile is an executive's, a big entrepreneur's or someone who's just getting on with life - for me they are faces who makes me smile and that's priceless!

Postponement of gratification again...

2009-12-15T17:03:00.006+08:00

Long time back I wrote on this topic and today I am revisiting it again.
http://kuttush.blogspot.com/2008/04/best-times-are-always-now-and.html

Today Arunav asked me when I came back from my exam,'How did it go mamma?' When I said not as well as the other times he looked puzzled and said, 'But you dont look sad'..... I told him, 'Because I tried my best.' He started playing.

I sat watching them play. I thought about the two of them growing up so fast and so far they are good kids. I dont know how they are going to be later. I do my best(well, most of the time :)) but who knows how they will be later in life - but I hope I will be happy that I tried my best.

Exams, Christmas and End of Year

2009-12-15T16:15:00.007+08:00

End of year always held a very exciting place in my heart. As a child we had our Final exams in December. Exams get over and it's Christmas time!! I used to love writing Christmas/New Year cards and sending them off, listening to the radio playing numerous Christmas carols, waiting for the 25th when my mother every year used to bake a cake for us (it is still the yummiest cake I have had).... so Christmas time has that soft place full of fond memories.

I finished my french exams today and it feels exactly like it felt years ago - the adrenalin has pumped through and left me feeling nice, cozy and peaceful. I am ready for the end of the year!

Money concept

2009-11-30T09:28:00.002+08:00

Aarushi oneday asked me for a 100HKD note I was putting back in my purse. I told her you need to earn money, like papa works hard and gets money for the hardwork, Aunty Pam helps us at home and so she gets money.
Several weeks later I was dusting the bed and changing the bed sheet - I called Pam to help me fold up the bedsheet - Aarushi came running at top speed, 'Mamma I want to help, I want to help....' For a moment I was happy she wanted to take part in household chores - but then came the addendum '....then I can earn some money, right?'

Sibling Rivalry

2009-11-03T19:49:00.002+08:00

I keep hoping things will get better and I am very inspired when things occassionally look bright, but right now Aarushi wants Arunav out of the house. Yesterday he fell down and badly hurt his nose - I went and was giving him water when Aarushi just flew in and pulled me out - she kept crying,'no no no...' Poor thing! I get upset when she does that but I feel more sad at how it must be hurting her. Arunav was equally jealous of her when he was this age - little did I know the whole thing would resurface when Aarushi 'came of age'!!

Happiness

2009-10-29T15:35:00.002+08:00

Nothing is as motivating as happiness - being happy is such a motivating factor.

Koh Samui

2009-10-21T11:32:00.002+08:00

We are off to Koh Samui for 3 days - sun and pool, sunscreens and sands, beach and breeze - the kids and we are looking foward to it - it's more than a year since our last beach holiday!

Motivation

2009-10-16T09:32:00.003+08:00

Arunav is a good reader in school now but he did not start reading till about 3 and a half when my friends told me I should try with him, it's about age - but Aarushi is always watching Arunav and so much is her motivation to be where dada is and to be able to do what he can do - she has started reading at 2 and a half, not always accurate but who cares. It quite shocked me! Second ones are way easier to manage - half the task is done by the older sibling :)

Poo poo whistle

2009-10-04T23:44:00.001+08:00

Aarushi today sat down for poo poo in the morning and passed some gas - she looked up and told me,'mama the poo poo whistle came so now poo poo will come.' :)

Cold and flu and the elusive ice cream...

2009-09-14T08:53:00.005+08:00

Start of school season and every alternate kid is falling sick. Arunav didnt escape - last weekend was a washout for us. Even though all the docs say there is no connection between catching a cold and eating anything cold - I have invariably found Arunav gets a sore throat and cough as soon as he eats ice-cream, ice-lollies, etc. So the poor thing refuses ice cream even in school telling,'I am not allowed to.' I am praying for a time when he doesnt have to exercise such self control and can enjoy ice creams...

Quotes again

2009-09-04T18:08:00.003+08:00

Arunav: "Aarushi I know you are excited about the money, but you take care of the sailor first." (while playing with Pirates and Treasures of Playmobil!)

A favourite

2009-09-04T08:04:00.000+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zy0MTrttuuM

Judging

2009-09-03T17:18:00.004+08:00

It hurts when people judge you too much....aren't we all humans with human failings - what do we judge each other for? Can we like/love people if we judge them....I cant.

Where the heart is

2009-09-02T10:14:00.002+08:00

Today Arunav started his first day in Primary 1 - he is a proper school-er now. The teachers encourage independence by giving multiple step instructions "If you brought your journal, put it on that table, find your name in the hook and hang your bag."
It is simple enough instruction for a 5 year old but being the first day in a new class and a new teacher - I could see Arunav's slightly perplexed face and my heart went out to him.... I think I am someone who keeps pushing for his independence so he is comfortable in situations, but my heart still was with him in that class where I left him - not at the home I came back to.

Aarushi @ 2.5: First day in school

2009-08-31T18:07:00.002+08:00

It was her first day today without mamma and she was soooo cool about it. She just gave the happy smile when she spotted me during pick-up. This is such a contrast to what I went through Arunav - I am so relieved. I learnt from the mistakes I made during Arunav's time and that helped in her settling - but even then she had to go through the process.....I am now praying the toughest day - the second/third day is equally breeeeezy!

Aarushi's friends

2009-08-31T09:50:00.002+08:00

At last the birthday party invitations of Aarushi's friends are also trickling in - she is used to going to only 'dada's friends' parties. Yesterday was her friend, Tom's party and she is one girl who loves monkeying around (as is evident!).....she went plain crazy with all the monkey stuff :) I am glad she is and I am hoping she never gets too much into the princess and tiara stuff....

Ideals and Reality

2009-08-28T21:50:00.002+08:00

Arunav doesnt fancy writing his summer journal now..... it is done as a chore which he tries to wriggle out of using thousand excuses.

I would have loved to be the mother who praised every effort of his and did not criticise the forgotten 'capital after full-stop', 'found instead of fuond' - but I did and I feel miserable and responsible for his 'dont like writing journal' attitude. I did praise him for many of the stuff - but I think it is more important "to not criticise" than "to praise".

Why is it so hard to keep up with the "mother I want to be" :(

Engineering toys

2009-08-28T12:54:00.003+08:00

Happy to have built it himself - having lot of fun playing with the gear mechanism. This is one wonderful gift he has got for his birthday from a dear friend of mine. It's called 'Georello Toolbox' from Quercetti - one of the 'Quercetti Gear' collections. Has tons of gear related toys kids can construct - Arunav was kicked that his bicycle had a similar chain-gear which made it go :)

and the Party..

2009-08-27T14:49:00.002+08:00

Arunav had his Party yesterday. They had just too much fun - which does away with this lingering doubt I always have whether we need such gala stuff everytime .... when you see them so full of life and excitement I again get convinced - well, perhaps it's worth it.
And I know we need to do it for Aarushi too this time - she is soooo waiting for "My Party next time" :) Yesterday she said,"Dada, it's my turn next time you know!" Do we spoil them by building up such expectations? I will always be in two minds :(

We always love to blabber - age no bar.

2009-08-26T11:41:00.007+08:00

They got such a kick by doing this! Yesterday was our tour in Peak Tram :) - yes I am trying real hard to keep them entertained!

Insecurity

2009-08-22T14:43:00.002+08:00

While talking to an old school friend, glimpses of some moments gone long past just flashed by. She was unfortunate enough to lose her mother at a very young age(we were in 8th standard-just stepped into teens) and it was very sudden. It was shocking for me too since we stayed in the same neighbourhood and I went to her house pretty often.
I vividly remember that afternoon when I went to visit after getting the news and the grief in the household just overwhelmed me - I had never come face to face with death before that and the state of my friend and her siblings just choked me. I used to be a pretty composed personality at that time but that day I couldnt help holding onto the broken window rails and weeping away my heart.....I remember the setting sun shining in through the window and lending more pathos to the whole atmosphere.
I was surprised that with my grief was a fear of what if the same happens to us(me, my bro and bapi). I stood near the window and silently shed tears of sorrow and fear. I couldnt stay for long - I ran back home shaking like a leaf. When my mother asked I just told her I didnt want to talk about it.

When Arunav, Aarushi wakes up at night and cries for me - they may not be feeling that insecure - for they still dont know what they should fear - but I cannot and I shouldnt belittle their insecurities ......

At the Peak Garden

2009-08-21T17:25:00.002+08:00

There is this lovely place a little beyond Peak which we love - it has grass - the rare commodity in HK and beautiful flora around. We went there today and they loved collecting leaves, climbing trees(Aarushi had to be perched up and she stayed there) and jumping over rocks on a little stream....

Just a few lines

2009-08-20T13:11:00.004+08:00

I read which struck a chord...

"It's not what I have been through that defines me, it's how I got through it. "
"If a door closes behind you, just lock it and leave it - it closed for a very good reason. "

and this one made me laugh(I dont agree with it completely though :)

"You never grow up....you just learn how to behave in public." Part of it is true - so many times in parenting, I have to tell them 'we speak softly in public places' (i cannot imagine them being soft anywhere else), 'we dont run around in library/public places' - yup :)